Not Here to Make Friends

... and other weird things about Rob's Friendships.

“I’m not here to make friends.”

I don’t know when this saying came about. I want to say it was during the ‘reality TV’ craze in like Survivor, but it always struck me as weird.

[Just Kidding] This was bothering me so I looked into it.

In that This American Life episode, I traced the reality TV origin of “I’m not here to make friends” back to the first season of Survivor. In fact, it had already been uttered—some four years prior—in a noncompetitive context on the fifth season of The Real World (the Miami season), the show that, fittingly, established reality programming as we know it. During a meeting about an ill-fated business venture, cast member Flora Alekseyeun uttered the phrase to her housemates, whom she, in fact, was there to make friends with, per the show’s ostensible mission. (Technically, it was her co-star Cynthia Roberts who told the group, “She’s not here to make friends,” only to have Alekseyeun repeat it in the first-person syntax that would reverberate for decades.)

“How ‘I’m Not Here to Make Friends’ Became the Motto of Our Time”
by Rich Juzwiak | Time

Confession Time

I have confessed a time or two that I can only manage 1.5 friendships at a time. I have specifically said this to Jon Pyle MULTIPLE times, mostly after a massive gap in time between text messages. In part, I might attribute this mismanagement of friendship to what - for a long time - was undiagnosed ADHD.

I think part of this 1.5 friendships problem also stems from my childhood. Growing up, I prided myself on not being a burden. I was someone who could sit idle while others’ lives carried on. I never wanted to be an inconvenience, to burden someone with my need for attention. If I was not providing a service, having utility for someone else’s life… something felt wrong.

This is difficult because I love making connections, seeing possibilities and opportunities when I meet new people. But maintaining that long-term has always been a struggle. I don’t talk to anyone from high school (I’m nearly 40). I can count on one hand the number of people I still have friendships with from college. It’s not that I don’t like anyone from those periods of my life, the connection just didn’t last. It’s hard to say whether it was just the passage of time or my capacity for friendship. But when I went into idle in a friendship, it rarely lasted afterward.

However, I am still friends with my college roommate, Andrew. I think that is - in part - because we are very intentional about working on things together. We are creatives. We want to make stories, art, and games together.

Andrew and Rob, circa 2012 in Chicago

We just started a new company, JAMR, with two other friends to create and share digital content, podcasts, stories, and games. It will be quite the undertaking, but - at this point - I see no other way for us to do what we love and share that with y’all. Getting this far took a lot of effort and preparation, but we want to share something with you that you can enjoy. 😉

Friendships are Hard as an Adult

Part of the reason I like what we’re doing at JAMR is that we are creating content - podcasts, stories, games - that people can share in friendship. As an adult, finding time to meet together is hard. And once you do… what do you do?!

Adult friendships are just as much about building community activities as they are about singular interactions. To keep friendships together as an adult you have to have intentionality, a routine, and systems of community working together to keep everybody in orbit.

JAMR games are going to be a great way for us to solve that. Subscribe here for more updates. We’ll be sharing more very soon!